


Heaving Through Corrupted Lungs

by Creazy



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Dark, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2015-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-08 10:51:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4301928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Creazy/pseuds/Creazy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The affair is out. There is nothing else Robert can do to hide it. Everyone knows and he can't handle it. </p>
<p>TW: Suicide Attempt<br/>This is based on that rumor that's going around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was not meant to be two parts, but it ended up getting really long and I decided to break it up. I'm thinking it will fit into two parts, but I might have to make it 3. I'm trying keep it under 3k words a section just because it makes it easer to scroll through that way. TW SUICIDE ATTEMPT. Also, I didn't proof read, this is just for funsies. Please be kind. Enjoy.

The bottle was almost empty. He wasn't an alcoholic, he just wasn't handling life very well by himself lately. Robert could feel his heart racing but at the same time he could feel nothing. He sat on the ground in the empty barn thinking about his life. He had been exposed as the fraud that he was. He had lost everything. Chrissie had thrown him out. Aaron wouldn't speak to him. Even his own siblings were angry. He had lost everyone and everything. He was a terrible person. All the time spent trying to convince himself that everything he had done had been justified, but he knew that there was no way to avoid the truth. He had ruined his brother's life because of his own greed and selfishness. He had ruined their wedding, he had torched their caravan, and he had killed his wife, albeit unintentionally.The voices in his head keep reminding him that it was unintentional, but in all honesty he didn't know where it would have gone if she hadn't fallen. He can't trust himself to say that he wouldn't have done something else. The thought made him cringe.

Robert had always had this plan for his life that he wouldn't end up at the farm like Andy. He wanted to do something bigger and better and he would do whatever it took to get there. He had done whatever it took. The number of lives that he had ruined were racking up. He was mentally counting them and with each added name he felt sick. How could he let himself become this monster. This monster who tries to threaten people, hurt people...kill people, when they get in his way. He didn't want to be like that. With another swig from the bottle he slowly stood up. He knew what he needed to do. He had ruined the lives of all of the people that he cared about and there was no way to make it right at this point. He couldn't let himself hurt anyone else.

He stumbled back to the Woolpack, content to find the back empty. He grabbed a pen and some paper and started his notes. One to Andy to apologize for everything he couldn't tell him about. Although he regrets what happened to Katie, he still couldn't tell Andy, it would only reopen the wounds that he was trying to close. One to Vic to apologize about everything that he had said about Adam. One to Diane to tell her how much he loves her and how sorry he is that he let her down. Another to Chrissie because she deserved to know that he never meant for her to get hurt, he was just being selfish and greedy. She deserved better than him. And of course one to Aaron, who probably deserved the apology as much as anyone. Robert sat back to wipe the tears from his face. He had tried to kill Chas and Paddy. He had said SO many nasty and awful things to him. He had used him and abused him. Aaron deserves so much better and Robert knew that.

After the letters had been written he left them all on the table near the kitchen and left out the back door. The air was cool after the rain but he didn't notice it. All that he felt was the numb ache in his chest. It felt like it was going to consume him. Every movement seemed to take immense amounts of strength and he just wanted it to stop. He had one more stop before he could finally be free and stop himself from hurting anyone else. He found himself standing at the graveyard. He knew his parents would be just as angry with him as everyone else if they knew what he had done. He stood there for a moment.

Bottle in hand and tears streaming down his face. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I am such a disappointment. I ruined the lives of everyone that I love and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I just have to make sure that this is the end. Andy was always the better son anyway. You should be proud of him. I'm sure you are. I don't know why I'm even here." Robert turns to leave but not before walking over a ways and stopping one last time. "I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry." He said to the concrete with Katie's name engraved on the front that was sitting in front of him before finally turning and heading toward the exit. He was done now. He'd said everything he needed to. He knew where the meds were and he knew what he needed to do next.

 

* * *

 

"Andy!" Vic called running into the main are of the pub.

"What's going on?" Diane said nervously as Andy quickly made his way over to her.

"These were on the table." Vic said with a shaky voice. "I read mine and..."

Andy and Diane had already grabbed the ones with their names scrawled across the front in sloppy drunken writing.

"Oh my god." Diane choked. "Do you think he's serious?"

"Vic get in the car, we have to go find him." Andy said throwing the letter down. He had many fights with his brother and sometimes he outright hated him. Especially when he found out that Robert had been cheating on Chrissie. He was furious, but even still Robert was his brother and he could not let him do this. "Now Vic!" He added running out the door.

At this point Chas had noticed the obvious commotion and run to the bar. "What is going on? Everything alright?"

Diane stood in shock. She couldn't explain at the moment. Her stepson could already be lying dead for all she knew. She had been so upset with him before. She had gotten angry and told him how disappointed she was in him. The words didn't mean she didn't love him or care about them, they only meant that she was angry and disappointed with his selfish and childish actions. At the moment her only thought that she could focus on was that Robert was going to die thinking that no one in the world cared about him. Diane let out a sob and the tears started to fall.

Chas had picked up the letter Diane had been reading and immediately knew what was going on. She looked down to see an unopened letter to Aaron on the counter as well. Chas immediately grabbed her phone and rang Aaron in hopes that he had heard from Robert. It was no secret that she detested him, but she knew the pain of having a suicidal child and it made her sick to her stomach to see Diane so upset.

"Aaron? Love, have you seen Robert?" She asked.

"No. I told you. I want nothing to do with him. I'm done." Aaron spit with obvious frustration.

"Aaron. Has Robert tried to contact you today?" Her tone getting more serious.

"No...why? What's going on?"

"Call him please. See if he'll answer your call. Do you know where he might be?" Her voice feigned worry and Aaron could tell. Something was very wrong.

"I'll call him. I'm headed to the car now. What is going on?"

"Aaron, Robert left notes at the pub. They were...um..." She didn't have to finish for Aaron to figure out what was going on.

"Suicide notes."

"Yes. Just please help us find him. I know I have my problems with him, but we have to find him. He can't do this to his family." Chas was starting to get emotional. Not as much because of Robert but more because she couldn't help but remember kneeling on the concrete over her own son's unconscious body thinking that he might not ever wake up. Worrying every time that he got upset that this would be the day that she lost him.

"We'll find him, mum. It's okay." Aaron said trying to comfort his obviously distressed mother even though his heart felt like it was full of lead and his stomach felt like it was ready to jump up his throat and throw itself from his body.

Chas hung up the phone and turned to try and lead Diane into the back away from the people still in the pub.

Aaron knew he had to do something. He pulled out his phone again and dialed Robert, but it went directly to voicemail. He knew he must have turned it off. It would make sense. There was one other person he could call who might know where he could be, but he knew that call wouldn't go well. Aaron opened his contacts list and dialed the number anyway. To his surprise she picked up the phone after the fourth ring.

"What could you possibly want from me?" She shouted angerly into the phone.

Aaron took a deep breath before spewing all of the words he needed to say as fast as he could before she had the chance to hang up. "I know you don't want to hear from me, but Robert is in serious trouble. I know you hate him and obviously you hate me, but he's going to try and kill himself if we don't find him right now. Please just tell me if you know where he might be."

Chrissie was silent for a moment. "He's going to commit suicide?" She questioned.

"He left you a note. It's at the pub, but we don't really have time for that." Aaron said his voice feigning anger.

"Serves him right I suppose. He ruined my life, now he can ruin his own." She said almost coolly.

Aaron was furious. "Listen! I hate him too, okay. He ruined a lot of peoples lives. I know that. BUT this is serious. This is permanent. I can't even believe that you wouldn't care if a man that you claimed to love was going to kill himself. I'll find him without you. I don't need you." At this point he was almost yelling into the phone.

He was just about to hang up when he heard her reply. "Wait. I'll have Lachy and dad check the property with me."

"Thank you." He breathed before hanging up. He knew he had to find him. It could be too late, but he had to try.

* * *

 

Robert opened the bottle of medication and poured it into his hand. He had just enough left in the bottle to wash them down and make a deadly concoction. Sitting in the barn, tears streaming down his face, he realized that he had never been happy with his pretend life. It was stressful and it was nothing more than a two dimensional facade. Nothing he could do would make him feel whole. He had been living this facade most of his life. Even back before he left Emmerdale. That's not who he wanted to be anymore. He didn't like that person. It made him powerful, but what goes up must come down eventually. No, he didn't want to be that anymore. All he wanted to be was dead.

Looking at the medication in his hand he put half of the handful into his mouth and washed it down with the sweet burn of the alcohol. He knew it was going to be painful, but he knew he probably deserved it. He had put others through far more pain that he could ever face anyway. He laid down on the floor and the tears came hard. This was it. This was his last moment and all he could think about was that he was sorry. Regret was not that familiar of a feeling to him and in that moment he decided it was by far the worst feeling. He was sorry to everyone. He thought about poor Aaron. The affair was outed and still Robert had failed him. He was sure that Aaron would be happy to see him go. No more pain and no more abuse. He can be free to go find a real boyfriend. One who wouldn't take advantage of him. He really did care. He did. He just cared about his own personal goals more.

Robert lay on the floor sobbing, his mind getting hazier and hazier, the pain in his stomach getting worse and worse. He curled in on himself shaking slightly. This was it. There was no going back. He closed his eyes for a minute before he heard a loud bang that startled him, the movement causing more pain than there previously was. He was sweating and he was tired. He was so very tired. The sounds he was hearing were very distant. He couldn't make out a specific voice, he just heard a lot of muffled yelling. He couldn't focus on that now. He was tired. He just wanted them to let him sleep. Why couldn't they let him sleep? He wanted to tell them to go away and let him sleep, but he couldn't get the words out. It was just too hard. He was tired.

* * *

 

"ROBERT! Come on, mate! Look at me!" Aaron was yelling at Robert's body. He was still alive, but he needed medical attention right away.

Andy was on the phone nearby phoning an ambulance. Aaron couldn't get Robert to focus on anything. It was like he wasn't hearing him.

"What did he take?" Andy yelled to Aaron who scrambled to get the container laying on the floor nearby.

He found the bottle and yelled the label to Andy following it with, " There's an empty bottle of Vodka too."

Andy's face went pale as he told the dispatcher the necessary info and received confirmation that an ambulance is on route and to try and keep him conscious if possible. "Thank you." he said as he hung up the phone. It was silent for a minute before Andy's fist angerly connected with the wall next to him.

"DAMN IT ROBERT. You don't get to do this! You don't get to off yourself because of this! That's not fair! You have to face up to what you've done and when it's all said and done then you move on and you learn from it and you become a BETTER PERSON. You can't do this to us!" He screamed. He paced for a few seconds breathing heavily.

"Where's Vic?" Aaron asked after Andy had seemingly begun to calm down.

"She's back with Diane, she went to tell her we found him." He said trying to hold back his emotions. "We need to try and keep him awake. They're on their way." Andy took a pause before kneeling down to Robert's body. "Come on Rob. You can't do this to us. Please. You're my brother. Come on. Stay awake."

It seemed like years before the ambulance arrived. Aaron and Andy stepped back to watch from a distance trying to stay out of their way. Aaron's tears had already started forming in his eyes. He was mad at Robert and he was trying to avoid him to protect himself, but this was not what he wanted. He never wanted this. Andy looked over to Aaron.

"I can't believe what you did. I know it's not all your fault, but you're still part of it. Even so, thank you for finding my brother, mate." Aaron was shocked as he looked over to Andy, eyes puffy from the tears.

"Just glad we found him. Hopefully we found him in time." He said wiping his face with his hands. "Can you maybe call Chrissie and let her know what's going on? I called her about it earlier, but I don't think she'd be too keen for me to call again." He added trying to avoid eye contact out of shame.

"I'll call her. I meant what I said before though. You have to face up to what you did. Both of you. I just hope Robert gets the chance to do it." Andy said before following the paramedics out of the barn.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a suicide attempt Robert is in critical condition at the hospital. What will the reactions be when everyone gathers to find out the fate of the man who brought so much pain into their lives?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this is going to be 3 parts because this ended up getting to 3k too fast. Thank you for enjoying my story. Please remember if you're ever having suicidal thoughts or feelings, you're not alone. Please call a suicide hotline if you need to talk to someone. I've done it several times actually. They really can help. If you don't know a number just go to this site http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html and find your country. <3 Stay alive. It's worth it. You're loved.

Andy had followed the ambulance directly to the hospital, but Aaron felt that it was only right to go back to the pub and make sure everyone knew what was going on. He arrived with eyes stained red from the previously fallen tears, and body tense and shaking from the days events. Chas noticed his entrance and quickly ran over and ushered him to the back where Diane and Vic were there, both in similar states to Aaron. Upon seeing Aaron enter the room Vic quickly stood up, wiping her face.

"Is he alright? I didn't see him. Did you find him in time? He's going to be alright, yeah?" She raced.

Aaron's tears filled his eyes once again. "I don't know. The paramedics took him to the hospital. Once they got there he threw up several time and then he went unconscious." His eyes weren't looking at Vic, they weren't looking anywhere really. He wasn't seeing anything except the flashback of the previous hour. "There was an empty bottle of alcohol there too...he had to of...." Aaron couldn't finish. His eyes burned from holding back. He released the floodgates. 

Diane let out another quick sob. "He's a good kid! He is! I know he messes up a lot, but he's not a bad kid. I don't want him to think that no one loves him anymore. The last thing I said to him..." She stopped. "We have to go to the hospital." She added looking at Vic. 

"Come on, let's go." Chas said. "I'll get someone to make sure the bar is covered. This is more important." She said giving Diane a warm hug. She knew this pain all too well. 

* * *

 

The drive to get to the hospital felt like it took hours. Once they arrived they ran into the waiting room to find more familiar faces. Andy sat in a chair near the corner and one side was occupied by Chrissie and Lawrence. Andy avoided eye contact, but Chrissie saw them and her heart felt heavy. She was extremely conflicted about her choice to come to the hospital. Her feelings about the entire situation had been conflicting. She was furious. She hated Robert. She just wanted him to suffer and feel the pain that he had brought to her and her family...but at the same time she still couldn't shake the emotional love that she had for him. When they had met she felt like she had finally met her match. She had met someone who was just as powerful as herself. Robert was smart, charming, and extremely cunning. She had always felt safe with him around.

After everything that had happened with the staged robbery she was so hurt. Chrissie couldn't believe that he would willingly let her feel so scared. She had no intention of letting him back in her life. The papers were drawn and everything was set for the separation, but no matter how hard she tried she couldn't shake that deep down feeling of love that she had for him. It was pathetic really. Someone who had lied to her, made her feel as though her family was in danger, and had cheated on her for months deserved to be completely cut out of her life. She had even had some dark thoughts about what she would do to him if he ever tried to come crawling back. Most of those thoughts ended in blood. Even so, this was not the way it was supposed to end. 

Vic had walked directly over to where Chrissie was sitting and handed her a folded piece of paper with her name scrawled across the front in what was, undeniably, Robert's writing. 

"I know you probably don't want to read it, but I felt like it was only fair to give it to you...ya know...in case..." Victoria couldn't finish that sentence, because to say it would make it real. It would make it a possibility. It might even jinx it. She refused to risk it. At this moment she would take all of the help she could get from whatever higher powers there might be. She handed the letter to Chrissie and turned around covering her mouth to stop any sounds from escaping as a few more tears slipped past. She headed over to sit beside Diane who had taken a seat next to Andy. 

Aaron watched her as she unfolded the creased paper slowly as if she wasn't sure if she really wanted to read it. Once it was open she set it on her lap for a moment without looking at it. He knew that she didn't deserve everything she had been through. He felt guilty. He was guilty. He may not have been the one to cheat on her, but he was a large part of it and she knew it. Chrissie took a deep breath and picked up the open paper once more. Her eyes began to scan the page slowly. Aaron watched as her once clear eyes began to cloud. She had obviously not cried today, but whatever Robert had written was enough to make her weep. 

Chrissie had only read a quarter of the words on the page before she knew she couldn't stop the tears from coming. She felt her father wrap an arm around her and she didn't hesitate to embrace him. It was all too much. She didn't know how she felt anymore. The letter made her so incredibly angry. She was angry that he had cheated, angry that he had tried to kill himself, angry that he had written her an apology note and said all of the things that she had never expected to hear. She was angry because this letter told her that now that he was dead she could legally divorce without a problem and find someone else who is good for her. Someone who wasn't like him or like Donny. Someone who would treat her like the stunning queen that she was. Chrissie was fuming because he was being kind. She hated him. She was so angry....and yet she was so sad. That was the end. No matter what the outcome of Robert's plan was, she could never let him back into her life like that. It was over. That's what she had wanted, but it still hurt all the same. 

"Dad. I want to go home." She said after her weeping had subsided. 

Lawrence didn't hesitate or ask questions. He simply stood up and helped her toward the door. As she walked she passed Aaron who avoided eye contact as best as he could. It all just broke her soul even more than it already had. Her heart was heavy as she left the hospital. She just wanted to go home and forget about today for a while, but she knew forgetting wasn't truly an option. The only option was surviving and hoping that the memory would fade with time as it becomes buried with better memories. She didn't want Robert to die this way, but she also didn't want him back in her life. She needed time to heal and staying at that hospital was not the answer. She got in the car and headed toward home farm. 

* * *

Aaron sat in the waiting room thinking about everything that had happened between them. From the robbery in the beginning, to the whole thing that happened to Katie, to the big reveal and the harsh words. The entire thing had been toxic from the beginning. It had been painful and sometimes it felt like it was the worst idea ever. Love makes you do some stupid things. He wasn't even sure if he could qualify it as love anymore. He didn't even know if Robert had been genuine when he had claimed it. He felt like a fool for getting involved with him in the first place. Robert had tried to kill himself because he lost Chrissie. There was no way Aaron could compete with the things that she had offered him while he was with her. He knew that. Robert loved status and power, neither of which he would have with Aaron. There was no hope. This wasn't the same as his attempt which made him cringe to think about. His attempt had been because of guilt and a secret and fear. Although it seemed similar, Aaron was almost certain Robert had done it because of his loss of Chrissie. He always said she was the most important thing to him. He never really believed that, but maybe he had been telling the truth. 

"Aaron...I wasn't going to give you this, and I want you to know I'm still against it, but Diane said it was only fair. You don't have to read it though." She said handing him a folded piece of paper that bore a striking resemblance to the one that Chrissie had been given. "I just...I think you should be the one to decide if you want to read it or not." She added in a tone that told Aaron that she was strongly against the idea.

He took the letter from her and looked at it for a while without opening it. He wasn't sure if he really wanted to know what Robert's choice last words to him would have been. Aaron couldn't help but think about the last think he had said to Robert. It wasn't kind and it wasn't caring. Robert had been furious with Aaron after the affair was outed and he had taken all of his anger out on him, as usual. Aaron became the punching back of profanity as he spewed his hatred. Also as usual, Robert had tried to contact Aaron two days later to ask for a favor and Aaron had told him to leave him alone for good. He had meant it. He deserved better than that. He knew he was worth more than what he had been getting from Robert, but every now and then there were moments when he felt like he could see the true kindness that Robert Sugden hid behind his hard and big headed exterior. He tried to push those thoughts to the back of his mind though. He tried to focus only on the reasons why he should hate the son of a bitch. There were more than enough reasons to be angry at him. He just had to remember them. 

He turned the letter over in his hands still unopened. He was so curious, but he didn't want to give Robert the satisfaction of making him feel sorry for him. He wanted to be angry at him. He wanted Robert to live and he wanted him to be okay so that when he could see him he could yell at him for being such a selfish prick. He needed to know what it said though. He wiped his face with his hands and picked up the letter again. He slowly opened it and when he saw his name at the beginning his heart sank to the floor. These were the words that Robert had intended to be his last. He slowly began to read the large wall of text. 

"Aaron, 

I don't even deserve the chance to say anything else to you before I leave. You were so great and I was nothing to you but a tormentor. I never say sorry because sorry admits guilt and it immediately gives someone else more power, but in this case all I want to do is say sorry for eternity. Even then it would not be able to prove to you how sorry I am for everything I've done to you. I am a selfish and greedy person and I feel like nothing that I can do now will ever make up for the hurt that I have caused everyone that I love. I have hurt everyone so much and knowing that no matter what I do it always seems to hurt people is too much. I can't live like this anymore. I'm doing this for you and everyone else. You deserve to be happy. You deserve someone who makes you feel loved the way you deserve. Someone who would never dig up the past in the twisted and awful ways I have. I care about you so much. I won't say that I love you, not because I don't, but because that's not fair to you. No matter how I feel, I can't cause you any more pain or confusion. I can't handle knowing that by existing I am causing so much pain in your life and Chrissie's life. I'm so sorry. Please find someone who is worth your love. You are amazing and beautiful and I want you to promise me that you'll stay alive. You deserve a long and happy life. Please forgive me. 

Robert" 

The tears were falling in a constant stream. He felt numb. He couldn't feel anything. He wanted to be mad. He wanted to be sad. He wanted to feel something, but all he felt was empty. Empty and broken. He couldn't feel anything about it, because he was feeling everything all at once. He felt like his body was going to jump out of his skin. 

"Robert Sugden?" A woman dressed in scrubs walked through a set of double doors. 

Everyone stood up at once as the woman approached them. Her face was expressionless. No sign of happiness and yet no sign of distress. It was eerie, and made everyone nervous. 

"Mr. Sugden suffered a major overdose of prescription drugs mixed with alcohol which can be potentially deadly. We were able to pump his stomach and give him laxatives so that he could flush as much of the excess out of his system before it was absorbed into his body. We've also given him several doses of medication to try and counteract the effects of the drugs. It was touch and go for a while, but he seems to be stable. We won't be able to assess the residual damage to his body until we are sure that everything has been flushed out and balanced. For now, he's stable and comfortable. One of our fears with overdose patients is that they have to potential to slip into a coma due to the high levels of toxicity in the blood affecting the brain, but so far he has been at least mildly coherent and responsive so we are hopeful that he'll be okay."

Everyone let out the breath that they were all simultaneously holding in. Robert was out of the woods.

Diane was the first to speak. "So he's going to be alright?" 

The nurse gave her a soft smile. "I can't make any promises, but right now he's out of the woods and on the right track." 

Andy let out a breathy laugh and gave Victoria a hug. The news wasn't bad. That's all they had to hold on to at the moment. 

"Can we see him?" Andy asked after a moment. 

"He is currently being held in out intensive care unit so only one person can enter and only for a few minutes. He isn't quite ready for too much excitement. If you're going to see him today, please remember that this is not the time to get angry or anything like that. He needs time to rest. His body has taken quite a beating today." 

"Of course. Thank you." Diane replied. 

Aaron wanted to see Robert and confront him about the letter, but he had heard the woman. This was not the time or place. Robert was okay for now. That's all he needed to know. He just wanted to go home and forget. This was too much. He hated hospitals. Hospitals reminded him of far to many bad things. He didn't want to be there anymore. 

"Mum, we should go." Aaron said nodding toward the door. 

Chas gave him a quick inquisitive look, but she didn't argue. She quickly turned to Diane. "You'll tell me if you need anything, ya?"

"Of course, go home, it's okay." She said with a small smile. 

Chas turned to Aaron and motioned toward the door. He quickly shoved the letter in his pocket and headed toward the exit. He just wanted to go home. His emotions were spinning around his head so fast he couldn't think. He didn't know what he wanted to say to Robert. Part of him wanted to kiss him and tell him how much he still loves him. Part of him wants to slap him that suicide is the most selfish answer, but he knows that's not an option. Another part of him wants to just quit trying and leave him alone. Aaron had no idea how he felt. He just wanted to go home and sleep. After the full day that he had experienced he was sure that sleep would help his shaking and achy body, but he knew that accomplishing that task was going to be a feat of its own. He got in the car with his mum and they headed back toward the Wolfpack. His soul ached. He was so tired. He just wanted to go to sleep and forget about it all for a few hours. 


End file.
